People liked this one on @instagram so I thought I’d share it here. I think I need to live near the beach.
Where to begin. First off, it’s a Hanukkah card and on the front it says Jews do it for eight days. Inside, the words L’chaim Kaelee! Love, Mom have been angrily crossed out.
We are not Jewish and I do not know who Kaelee is and anyway it’s April, so I’m thinking my aunt was looking for…
Lift with the legs, not the back HA HA oh god good stuff OK anyway time for some real talk, Anon. I’m glad you came to me because I’ve had no fewer than six girlfriends (seven if you count Clara the Cleverly Carved Pumpkin, which I do) and know a thing or three about wooing the shit out of ladies, sometimes literally HA HA you see Anon the key is to have a devilish sense of humor, one that makes the girl blush and cast her eyes downward and delicately nibble at her pinky nail, like Oh my goodness this fellow is quite the bounder! And I have such a weakness for bad boys! I do so desperately hope that one day he’ll forget my birthday and try to make it up to me by not having sex with my sister that night!
So here are some devilish openers, free of charge, that will definitely move your lady from the heavy-lidded thousand-yard stare of disdain to tee hee lol did it suddenly get all moist up in here?
“Does it smell like hot ass in here? I think it does. And I think the smell is coming from your hot ass!”
“My name is [your name goes here]. Learn it well. For you will be shouting it in the back of my van in about half an hour. In a sex way, I mean. You know. Not like in fear or anything. Just. Just normal style.”
“Do you like abortions? Then let’s abort this conversation and get to the extreme makeouts!”
“I want you to have my babies. Yes, plural. Maybe three? We can give them names that all start with the same letter! Actually, triplets would be ideal. So adorable, right? I already slipped some fertility drugs into your cosmo so let’s just cross our fingers and hope for the best! I love you so much. So so much.”
“Is that my penis in your drink or spoiler alert yes it is.”
» Rating: FIVE SEXY LADIES ISSUING RESTRAINING ORDERS
rebftw asked: hey josh. just wondering if you have any insights into how a girl can approach a guy with a 100% rate of success on a night out? what do i gotta do to lock it down? i play to win, so gimme an ACE. thanks a bundle, reb
It’s a dance, mama, and you need to know the moves. Here’s how it works:
You catch his eye from across the bar, coyly playing with the bendy straw in your titillatingly named cocktail, perhaps a Double Stuf Penetration (gin and Oreos and gin) or a Delicious Butt (gin sprayed with Ed Hardy perfume). You let him see your lips at work. Then you glance away, scanning the crowd, just to toy with him, just to let him know there’s competition out there in the hot darkness. But then your eyes fall upon him again, this time lingering on his piercing jowls and devastating ears. You take a sip of your drink to hide your flustered smile, but let him catch a glimpse. You run your finger along the rim of the glass, slowly, so slowly. It goes skreeeeeeee! You raise an eyebrow almost imperceptibly. You do the trick where it looks like you’re removing your thumb. You tuck your upper lip above your teeth and go durrr. You jab your tongue in your cheek to make it look like you’re giving an invisible blowjob. You belch like crazy. I mean come on. It doesn’t matter. Just go over there and say “I thought you should know I have boobies and they’re located right here” and then point out the location of your boobies. 100% success rate.
» Rating: ONE SEXY LADIES (that’s you!)
I graduated with honors from one of the top universities in the country. My field projects a $40K-100K annual income and my work was always beyond exemplary so I got hired right out of school to a company that was a perfect fit for my skills where I could really grow and live up to my…
20 years old. Dropped out of college because I feared the weight of the loans would be too much for my parents. With just one semester of college under my belt we are 16000 in debt. My dreams of becoming an architect are fading. Fed up with serving tables I am contemplating joining an armed service for free college and fight for a country I no longer believe in.
We are the 99%